Volumizing and Gravity Defying Hair Products Are Taunting Me

Let's put it on the table.  I'm follicly challenged.  If you are unclear what this means, then 

a) We have never met in person, or

b) We met over email, but you haven't yet noticed how my receding hairline has affected my typing, or

c) You saw my profile photo on this blog, but were blinded by the reflected glare from my forehead your monitor.

I do have some hair, so I shop for shampoo despite the stares.  While considering my options (invigorate my scalp? or restore shine?), I was reminded that "volumizing" shampoos are constantly taunting me.  Of all the people that need extra volume shampoo, I'm at the top of the list. I'm sure that marketing teams at hair product companies worldwide have given up on me.  

They probably use to say "Let's make a volumizing shampoo for those guys who could really use a lift.  Oh, and let's help their hair too."

After looking at the demographics, sales figures, and their own receding hairlines, they have decided instead to put these products on the shelf to quietly tease me when I least expect it.

I was again the victim of this silent and public humiliation at work recently.  During the past few holiday weeks, attendance at work was light and the offices relatively quiet.  A handful of us were busy, but our interactions were sporadic.  

"How was your holiday?"

"Good. How was your holiday?"

"Good. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year. It's quiet around here."

"Yep."

Therefore, it was easy for a mystery Santa to secretly leave some holiday treats in one of the offices. This included cookies, peppermint bark, chocolate santas, those faux M&Ms that come in a plastic candycane perfectly designed for chugging those suckers when nobody is looking, and hair gel.

That's correct. Santa left hair gel.  Apparently, melting snowcaps at the North Pole revealed a time capsule from the 1980s that must have included the only Stretch Armstrong toy that never oozed, members of REO Speedwagon, and a surplus of unused hair gel. 

The labeling is what really got me thinking.

First, it's label claims that the gel will "defy gravity."  I'm not sure that we should be defying gravity, but I won't make a fuss about it.  Instead, I want to know what else they are willing to defy?  How about genetics?

Secondly, it's "fast drying".  This must be perfect for the person who just doesn't have time or money to spend on their hair. Or it's gravity defiance.

Finally, I'm intrigued by the "hold" scale which clearly displays that this particular product has achieved, with the score of '10', an "extreme hold" strength.  When they manufacture a batch of this gel, how do they perform quality control to ensure that it meets this specification?  Is this somehow measured by a hold-o-meter in which gel is applied to someone's hair and scientists measure their ability to get into a Cinderella concert without a ticket stub ("extreme hold" status is only achieved by the subject's unsolicited receipt of a backstage pass and reality show contract)?  By the way, I'm sure that if I ever applied for this job it would result in a discrimination lawsuit. That is to say for my hair unavailability; not for my pre-existing affinity towards glam rock.  

"No Your Honor, it was acceptable to us that he enjoys Cinderella.  And he always came to work on time.  But his hair just never showed."

More importantly, what happens to the vats of hair gel that don't pass QC?  Are they simply relabeled and marketed differently?  Perhaps a batch scoring '1' is marketed as a solution to hair that already has unwanted gravity-defying properties or as a cure for chronic bed head syndrome.  I'm most curious about every hold status between 2 and 9.  These must be the hardest to sell.  Although I imagine that a '5' (the "mediocre hold") would be perfect for the hair that needs a boost but doesn't want to draw too much attention.  

Personally, a gel that ranked '6' would be perfect for someone like myself.  It would give my hair a little extra umph and the slight edge over mediocre that only a follicly challenged guy like me could truly appreciate (and need).

Photo credit: PJ. Thanks!