Box O' Knives, Cabinet O' Glass

Most kitchens have a jar or similar container in which harmless kitchen implements such as spatulas and wisks are kept.  These utensils are usually strategically positioned for immediate action. Unfortunately, the end which will most likely end up in the food is readily available to bugs and projectile germs.  

In my house, we have the culinary version of Dan Akroyd's Bag O' Glass from SNL.  We have the Box O' Knives, as in Box O' Vipers, Box O' Sulfuric Acid, Box O' Knives.  They're decent kitchen items, you know what I mean?

Let me explain in further detail.  Our mission-style box is 5" Wide x 5" Deep x 7" Tall.  It is very important that you note that the box is 7" Tall.

I just took inventory of the evil box's contents.  I have binned these items into 2 categories below.

Equal to or Greater than 7" in Length

5 skewers

2 bread knifes

A very, very large fork

A very, very large knife

Toaster tongs (dangerous in the right hands)

Definitely Less Than 7" in Length

3 very, very sharp knives 

2 Vegetable/Fruit Peelers

Meat thermometer (purchased when we replaced the neighbor's that we destroyed on Christmas day)

Pizza wheel 

Apple corer ('Corer' is a funny word to say. Corer. Corer. Corer.)

Meat tenderizer

1 salad serving spoon

*And, most importantly, 1 dearly missed corkscrew

The reason this setup scares me is that the list of items that I can't actually see is longer than the list of items I can see.  Therefore, adventuring into the Box O' Knives is done at one's own risk.  In fact, it probably should have been part of our marriage vows as in "I offer you my solemn vow to enter the Box O' Knives at my own risk in sickness and in health."  

Let's say, for example, that I needed to core a watermelon.  I could go in for the corer, but what horrible fate lies below the 7" mark?  I can handle the toaster tongs (with great skill, I might add), the fork, and most of the other visible items.  But it's the hidden knives and pizza wheel that scare me.  

Therefore, the only time since 2001 that we have actually seen the items in the "Definitely Less Than 7" in Length" category is when I did this inventory last night.  

But, while writing this post my wife and I had a discussion that went as follows:

She said, "Are you going to explain why we have the Box O' Knives?"

"Yes, but please do tell me your version.  And don't get saucy with me or I'll grab the toaster tongs," I replied.

"The box's purpose is to contain all the sharp objects in the kitchen and keep them away from little kids' hands."

"Agreed."

But, why this is so funny to me and not to her (mainly because she is now asleep) is that right behind her during this discussion was our unlocked Cabinet O' Glass.  The Cabinet O' Glass is under the sink and well within toddler reach.  This cabinet is where we keep all 800 of our glass vases, which is especially annoying when I have to remove wads of Mac and Cheese from the sink's plumbing every few weeks.  The cabinet is usually child safety locked, but only since a few weeks ago.  Prior to that we used a rubber band that was often broken.  At least my daughter (20 months old) would point it out to us.  "Uh oh. Uh OHHHH!"

Therefore, in my house it's dangerous living.  You'll see when you visit us.  Bring a bottle of wine, ask me where the corkscrew is, and let's see what transpires.  At your own risk, that is.