- Seven boxes of cereal including a village-sized (as in it takes a village to eat it before it expires) Honeycomb box. It's big enough to create the illusion of a solar eclipse when placed too close to the kitchen windows.
- Four open bags of pretzels: thin fat-free, minis, pretzel sticks, and peanut butter sandwich pretzels.
- One open bag of Veggie Booty.
- Two open bags of Goldfish.
- Two partial loaves of bread.
- One open bag of Chex mix.
- Two open bags of cookies.
- One open bag of sugar.
- One open bag of flour.
- One partially eaten Apple Cake.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Washing machines and I have never really had good relations. This past weekend, our troubled relationship took yet another turn (or spin, depending on which party you ask).
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
We have a couple LED flashlight key chains whose sole purposes are to keep the kids entertained on occasion. For example, when the 300+ toys in their playroom aren't enough, a $1 key chain can do the trick. One is a pig and another is a frog. They each emit a twice repeated animal sound and shine a bright blue LED light. The pig's light is emitted through it's nostrils and the frog's through it's mouth.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Please accept this letter of apology. During your advertising campaign last summer, I unjustifiably ridiculed your decision to rename the Natick Mall. After your first plan to name the mall simply "Natick", you chose an even more laughable title with "The Natick Collection." According to a local news brief, use of the word Collection to attract upscale stores, sophisticated shoppers, and oblivious tourists is popular in getaway destinations such as Bellevue, WA and Troy, MI. With this, I considered my research on absurdity to be complete.
I scoffed at your suggestion that this name would be more appropriate for the upscale stores. A collection? It sounds like something that might collect dust, no? Besides, it's the Natick Mall. It will always be the Natick Mall. You may have built a new fancy wing with a glass ceiling providing sunlight for your new fancy shoppers, but the "old section" (as it is now called) is still windowless and so 1990s. Feuds between eternal enemies, mall rats and mall walkers, may flare up as they struggle to claim new turf (albeit marble instead of linoleum) in the new expansion wing. That is, if they dare venture into the sunlight.
I laughed even harder the first time I went to the Collection. I discovered that it had actually gone upscale as intended and attracted a few customers that will at least pretend to shop at those high-end stores. They even turned their noses up at my kids who were joyfully playing on your upscale couches. The venue's new image even gave the security guard reason to be a snob, lecturing the kids about how not to touch the water fountain or make fun of his career choice.
We did venture into one of your new stores. The very serious staff at the chocolate store, which has since closed, were far from family-friendly. As we stood in line pondering what $6 piece of $1 chocolate we would split four-ways, our kids started to explore the empty store. They were in fact, extremely well-behaved in that moment. As my daughter approached a comfy chair, the manager ran interference and explained that he didn't want a mess on his furniture. He must have seen my son try to write his name with jam-covered fingers on the leather couch near the Concierge. Is there really a concierge at the mall? I digress. We left annoyed and disappointed that we didn't get to taste rich people chocolate. However, it all worked out in the end because we needed the $6 for the valet tip.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
My car and I were idling in the high school parking lot a few blocks from home. My thighs were sticking to my jeans, and my jeans to the car seat. The sweat on my forehead was serving a dual function as coolant and calming agent. My heart and mind were still racing wildly as if trying to out-pace each other.
I wondered how long I had been sitting there. The large lot was empty and I was parked firmly in the middle and facing the school gymnasium. From this angle, I would see them coming from any angle.
My brain was reprocessing the events leading up to today. When I was 10 years old, my family and I had a summer outing to a nearby water amusement park. We were ambushed by a band of pirates soon after we arrived. Granted, they attacked us with balloons and songs, but I was clearly effected by the incident for I suffered from pirate-phobia ever since that day.
It was a complete surprise when I arrived at her office and she was wearing a cheap Halloween hook on her hand and a contraption that gave her the appearance of being peg-legged. Although I knew that it was irrational, I immediately tensed up and experienced the early signs of a panic attack. We slowly worked through my aversion to the pirate garb. By the end of the session, we had discussed the unlikelihood that I would ever encounter a one-hooked, peg-legged person again. Once I was calm again, she had me walk the plank. The plank was actually a cinder block wall along the office driveway. I didn't actually walk off the plank and I was relieved to know that she couldn't actually find a real plank.
I unclenched my fist damp with anxiety, revealing the note that I had received only moments ago. when delivered to my door by a courier.
"Wear it all day."
I crumpled the note again, lowered the window, and threw it as far as I could.
I could wear it all day, but the pirate's eye patch was still in the delivery box in the garden. The container didn't have a return address. But, yesterday's events had made me cautious. I had carefully pulled out the note, read it's horrible message, and launched the box into the marigolds. As my tires squealed on the driveway as I reversed into the street, I caught a glimpse of the black eye wear which had been partially ejected from the package.
The trees that surrounded the parking lot provided a sense of security. However, the longer I sat in my car the more the parking lot felt like an ocean with yellow lines in a perfect yet broken pattern of waves that seemed to bring the trees closer. The pine trees, with their tall masts and broad leafy sails, were floating towards me.
It was 3:00 in the afternoon and I was getting ready for my job as the evening supervisor at the clinical testing lab at the hospital when the package had arrived.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Besides, electronics are out. Tolls are in. Friends don't let friends pay tolls with cash, especially when they can be idling hands-free in the adjacent lane. The days of chucking coins into a tiny basket with one-eye closed as you barrel through a narrow toll booth are gone. Instead of digging around for change under floor mats, spend your time people watching or reading the toll plaza sponsorship ads such as "These once-living and now carbon-monoxide infused flowers were donated by Scrub-and-ScrubSomeMore Car Wash."
To my friends who were initially planning to pay off my heating bill for Christmas:
I thought paying a loved one's bills was the ultimate gift until I discovered the EZ-Gift. In fact, I purchased $30 turnpike gift cards for each of you this year. Unfortunately, I will need to borrow them back to pay the Turnpike Authority for the $25 bounced check fees. I would have made a deposit at the bank sooner, but I haven't been travelling much since I burned through the Mobil Gas Gift Cards you gave me last year (didn't you see the gas prices last summer??). I expect that you will be upset about this, but you will have $5 remaining on your FastLane account. Please come visit me on Exit 13 and we can discuss.
Monday, December 1, 2008
I hope to write everyday, but finding the time is difficult. My blog started as a template for my creative writing. I found that I enjoy writing about everyday events in story form. However, this had always prevented me from sharing it because I only wanted to produce "completed" pieces. However, in finding humor all around me, I can't help but want to simply write about it and not worry about completeness. I worry that I write more casually, fewer stories will result. Will it still be good? It's still unclear.
But, I am often told by my better half that I am too extreme in my decision making process. Why does it have to be one or the other? She makes a great point. I can try to do both and see where it leads. Perhaps these two seemingly different styles will merge into one.
I have also wondered if my blog would be more interesting if I posted photographs of some things that make me laugh out loud each day. Please give me feedback here. With that, here are a few.
Tonight when I got home from work, I found the following Globe magazine and Tweeter circular together, just as shown. 60% off everything at Tweeter is a dream come true, but what more can a nun wish for than a discounted subwoofer?