Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Positive Sign

Dear City Department of Public Works,

Every day I drive past your big plus sign before the town's main intersection. While I appreciate it's positive message, I continue to wonder what is being added? If this is your method of counting cars on a busy road, I think you need to move to plan B. And no, plan B does not involve a government official pressing the sign each time a car passes. But perhaps you aren't counting cars at all. Maybe you are attempting to count bicycles, bad drivers, or roadkill. Either way, I guarantee that it's not working. Besides, if a bad driver produces roadkill is that plus 1 or plus 2?

While you ponder this challenge, one whose solution might involve (gasp) technology, please consider another recommendation. Can you please add an equals sign on the other side of the intersection? I would really like to know what you are adding and how much I am contributing. Talk about a positive message. Thank you for your consideration.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Beantown Jedi

Coworker #1: "On which side of the lab should we enter?"

Coworker #2: "By the loading dock."

Coworker #1: "By the dock?"

Coworker #2: "Yes, come to the dock side."

Me: "You sound like Darth Vader with a Boston accent."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Holidays

Dear Faithful Readers,

It's been a busy year, but I hope to write more in 2010. Please know that even if I'm not writing, it doesn't mean that I'm not finding humor in everyday life. I hope to share more in the next few months. In the meantime, I want 2010 to be a year in which you share with me some of your humorous observations.

In 2010, I have a few goals with respect to my writing:
a) Blog more. And read more. I'm inspired by other bloggers and writers.
b) Submit an article to the Boston Globe. I have the story.... I just have to write it.
c) *Start* my novel. Well, if you count the first paragraph then I have already started. And it may not be a novel. We'll see how long it is by the time I'm finished. It might turn out to be a one paragraph story with no end. Let's avoid this together: please help me with my research and let me know if you know anyone that has been a sports team mascot or worn a full body costume for promotional purposes. Extra points if you bring me the Gecko from the Geico commercials.

I am also going to a conference in January. It's a scientific conference, so I expect there to be a lot of good material. A convergence of very serious robotics scientists wearing summer attire in the desert in January is excellent fodder for a humor blog.

I must go now. There's quite a lot of activity in my town these days. Mall traffic and a rise in eggnog consumption have appeared. Business-sponsored fat men with rosy cheeks and red suits with reduced working hours have also been spotted for the first time since last year. And those are just the corporate executives. Coincidentally, everyone is filled with glee.

I was feeling the usual obligation to buy a gift for anyone who ever smiled at me which includes all of you (except family members who instead get another full year of my love and complaints, the gifts that keep on giving). Unfortunately, the pet insurance and subsequent funeral expenses for my pet rock (RIP Pebbles) have created financial hardship. Thanks for understanding.

Happy New Year and Merry Debt-mas!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm a "The-Fridge-Is-Half-Empty" Guy

At one time or another, we have all found ourselves in the fridge searching for a TBE snack. TBE, as in "to be eaten". A deep dive into the refridgerator is never without hope that something with chocolate lives within. This typically involves moving cold items around like in the same manner one would when solving one of those puzzles with one piece missing. Which brings me to my question. Is it normal to fantasize about the size of the chocolate cake that would fit perfectly into the space known as the missing puzzle piece?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Think Forwarding: A Phone Service Feature Still in Development

Last night, I called Verizon to dispute a bill. After navigating the system with a combination of mad button pressing and yelling over the automated customer service rep (just to be heard, of all things), I was informed that the offices were closed. After questioning Mrs. Roboto about Verizon's own use of call forwarding after hours, I hung up the phone.

If Verizon's features include Caller ID and great customer service, then why don't they call me back even if I don't leave a message?