Monday, November 30, 2009

Pig Flu at the Cube Farm

Some companies are issuing memos and instructional videos on proper sneezing and coughing etiquette.

I am feeling inspired to make a video too. I will call it "The manners your parents forgot to teach you". The sequel, aimed at teaching etiquette to the sick employee's healthy counterparts, will be called "Why holiday potluck lunches are your ticket to swine flu hell".

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Irony of Seeing Jesus

It was reported this morning that a woman in Methuen, MA saw an image of Jesus on her iron. Seeing the image reassured her that "life is going to be good". Since this story was probably leaked by a local named Jesus DeJesus, I'm going to play Devil's advocate (literally) and ask the pressing questions. I would start our one-on-one interview like this:

"Hello. Where were you when you saw the image of Jesus on your iron? By chance, were you over there next to that enormous pile of freshly printed iron-on Jesus T-shirts?"

My next post will be about the morning I saw Jesus in my espresso. But, I was thirsty so I drank Him.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm part Mexican.

A few thoughts....

I'm part Mexican. At least for the 24 hours after I eat a burrito.

I recently asked myself, "should I go to a conference in Palm Springs CA in January?". That's like asking if a frog's ass is watertight.

I've been busy planning my new business. I'm going to open a sub-optimal bakery. I will acknowledge that I am not a professional and that the quality is good but not great. That way, when you need to take a baked good to a holiday party, dinner party, or work you can easily claim it was yours. Because I will guarantee imperfection. Or your money back.

Annoying cell phone kiosk salesperson: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did. Bye.

And some notable moments from a recent trip to the surgical OR:

Nurse: What brings you here?

Me (pointing to head): Assist with a cyst? Nurse (without smiling): Never heard that one before...

The surgeon later said, "You should have an open mind." With that, he made thus true and removed two cysts from my scalp. I am now more well-rounded.

The surgeon asked me how I was doing halfway through the procedure. I told him that I would be napping if it wasn't for all the sharp objects in the room. He said "Me too".

The surgeon warned me about potential scarring and then asked me if I grew my hair out. I explained that it was usually shoulder length but that I had it cut short for the procedure.

Me: What was that? Surgeon: Your cyst popped out and rolled down your head and neck.

Surgeon: It's about the size of a chick pea. Me: As in hummus? Surgeon: Definitely not.

Surgeon: You're back?!?!? Me: Yes. I was halfway home when the anesthetic wore off. The feeling of blood running onto my ear was a hint that the incisions weren't completely sealed. There's bloody tissues all over my car. Surgeon: Oh, how's your car? Me: Let's talk about the head first, please.

Me: Do you validate parking? Receptionist: Did you see a doctor here? Me (pointing at bandage wrapped head): Nope. Just came for the cafeteria food. Wrapped my head like this to fit in. And park for free.