Saturday, April 25, 2009

Kreativ Juices Are Flowing My Way

One of the great things about blogging is that a blogger develops a network. Blogging is a wonderful form of social media where we can write and read about things that interest us and meet complete strangers, most of whom are comfortable laughing at each other from a distance.  The network grows when bloggers need to escape the literary mosh pit in their heads and explore other blogs (i.e. verify that there are other energetic peeps with lots to say about lots of things). 

Most of my blogger friends will never get money from me unless chocolate or massages are involved. However, tonight I owe 10 cents to a blogger friend of a blogger friend for the use of the term 'Blogousy', giving name to what I struggle with every day. 

I also owe my new friend at Disposable Aardvarks Inc some cold cash for putting me on the scoreboard. I've been awarded a Kreativ Blogger award! Thanks Krista! More about the award in a moment, but first a little more about the nominating committee. Her keyword search for "non-vegetarians that think they're funny but aren't" led her to my blog and she decided to stay anyways. Coincidentally, I found her blog while trying to dispose of my aardvark. In all seriousness, her blog is very interesting and I've learned a lot from her. I can now make great vegetarian restaurant recommendations to my wife who is one annual turkey dinner away from being a vegetarian. I also learned from her blog that a Bento Box is not a certain Ford model that's had one too many accidents, but rather something much more powerful. Go check it out. I'll be waiting.

Ok, so back to my award! I did not know much about the Kreativ Blogger Award until I won. And I wonder if this ever happens to other prestigious award winners. Somehow, I just can't picture a rising Hollywood star on the phone, saying "Oscar who?" But given how excited I am about this award, I'm sure that only the most humble yet deserving recipients are caught off guard. 

I was curious about the origins of the award, so I did a quick Google search. Whilst typing it in, I learned that the award's name was worthy of Google's autofill feature instantly informing me of 192,000 results (what a precisely round number!) It turns out that 'Blogging' was actually a term used in prehistoric times to describe the act of writing on cave walls about other caves in the region. These blogs were typically very boring, for they were always about darkness, cave wall writing tools (which also looked like weapons), and missing bloggers. One particular blogger named Kreativ, a rather chipper Neanderthal who whistled through nose while he blogged, decided to stray from convention and start blogging about his relationship with a Cro-Magnon lady friend with whom he shared a cave. This particular topic had a lot of "followers" and his fellow bloggers, out of undeniable blogousy, gave him an award for being so, well, Kreativ

The Kreativ Blogger award disappeared for many thousands of years until life outside of caves got interesting again, at which time it was resurrected by a very creative woman in Norway

As the recipient of this noble award, the honor is bestowed upon me to select two more recipients of the Kreativ Blogger. To ensure that my pride and honor are passed completely to the new recipients, I am expected to be immediately humbled again by posting 7 facts about myself.  

Therefore, since I may never receive this award again, I'm going to savor every moment. I'm going to go to sleep with my Kreativ Blogger award on my nightstand. I may peek at it throughout the night and curl up on the couch with it tomorrow morning.  Hence, I will pass this great award to new recipients within the next day or so. I will also sort through fact and fiction, and post 7 things about myself soon. 

Friday, April 24, 2009

Lions Game

Through squinting eyes, I scan the sea of baseball caps and burnt scalps before me. The ocean of sweaty fans ripples and shimmers with each out, hit, and bleacher fight. Today, the mid-July temperature and relative humidity are tied in their race towards 100. Shiny beach balls reflect the sun's searing rays as they bounce aimlessly through the stadium, occasionally getting lost amongst brightly covered sunbrellas and half-naked fans covered in body paint inspired by team spirit and alcohol. One group of five shirtless men, one painted letter displayed proudly on each middle-aged belly, have misspelled the home team's fierce name as L-O-I-N-S. Later this evening, their "hear us roar" attitudes will wear off as they part ways and ride the bus home as 'L' or wave down a taxi as 'I'.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Toll Plaza

When aiming my car, whilst speeding or inching along, towards a brightly-painted narrow passageway to pay a highway toll, I somehow miss the "plaza" part of the experience. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A Very Important Announcement

Public relations professionals for politicians, professional athletes, and celebrities have given me a great idea. 

Therefore, this post is an announcement.  I would like to announce that tomorrow, I will announce an announcement about an upcoming announcement. This announcement or one of the subsequent announced announcements will generate more discussion than the final announcement. Hence, I may never actually need to make said final announcement.  The news about these high profile announcements will already have been leaked to the media and speculation will result in the creation of a very interesting new story. Please make it good and designed to elevate my world popularity in a very positive way. I look forward to it. Thank you.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Major Minor

The phrase "minor heart attack" has been in the news a lot recently. I would like to propose that this three-word phrase be banned from the English and News Anchor languages. Instead, I would like to propose a better phrase that truly represents what one experiences, which can never be described as "minor".  I have given great thought towards a more appropriate way to articulate the meaning behind this phrase. Therefore, I would like to propose that we use, very simply, the phrase "heart attack". If you don't accept this proposal, I will give you a minor finger-in-your-eye. Then, let me know what you think.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

DUI On A Bar Stool

I recently got a speeding ticket. I earned it the moment I blew past a cop doing 75mph in a 55mph stretch of the Mass Pike. I'm going to court to fight it, because I have a great driving record and hope to charm the judge into reducing my penalty to a warning. I hope to keep it off of my record and prevent it from negatively effecting my insurance rates.  

I will probably add that my new car has more zip than my old one and I didn't realize my actual speed. Again, I deserved the ticket but hope that my good record will warrant at least one warning before further penalties.  I might also add that I had just driven into the Boston area from west of the city where the speed limit on the highway is 80mph. They won't check. Will they?

But, part of me is tempted to explain that I should get a reprieve in light of my innocence relative to other offenders in the news.  I could explain that my other vehicle is a homemade scooter consisting of lawnmower parts and a bar stool and that I often drive it from my garage right up to the bar (literally) and back home after a good bender. What if my bar stool and I were to go bar-hopping (although hop it wouldn't), a feat that would be impossible without some stool-scooter recklessness ? And the judge should definitely punish me if I were to cause a traffic accident while driving under the influence on my bar stool. If I were to total my vehicle, my embarrassing insurance claim would be enough punishment. Right. Because driving a bar stool around town wasn't.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Collection Revisited

These guys are in the news again today, so I thought I would post one from the vault for my newer readers to enjoy:

Will Speeding Drivers Have Their Subway Passes Confiscated?

I heard on the news this morning that Boston subway riders who evade paying the fare will be punished by having their driver's licenses suspended. How in the world will they get around now?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Happy Birthday Hoolie

Today would have been Hoolie the Cat's 16th Birthday. 

Hoolie was an indoor cat. She escaped on a few occasions but never got far. After realizing that she had slipped out the back door so-to-speak, I would discover her rolling around in the nearest patch of grass.  Although I was always happy that she didn't run away, I had to question her motivation for the great escape. To munch on a few blades of grass only to puke them up later? Instead, I decided that the four walls of my apartment were driving her catty and a little sunlight on her matted fur was a tempting opportunity.

Even if she decided to run for it, pedestrians would slow her down as they stopped to pet the "cute little dog". Besides, it wouldn't be long before her belly got stuck as she tried to hop a curb. 

In honor of Hoolie, who passed away a few years ago I'm posting a link to a couple humorous posts about her.

Hard Drives: Who Knew Computers Also Had Bad Commutes?

I received an email at work today simply asking "What time today should I stop by with your new memory?"

I was tempted to write back to the nice fellow in IT to explain that I couldn't remember what this was for. 


Failure to yield to an emergency vehicle, Officer? Honestly, I didn't realize. You see, my rear view mirrors are all broken. Besides, I couldn't see anything around the ECNALUBMA van that was tailgating me so aggressively.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Before Kids, I Shook My Booty And All That

My social life is so lame now that the only time I shake my booty is when I check to see if the bag is empty.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Access Denied

After driving to work each morning, I start my work day with a very simple ritual. 

I coordinate my already-painful commute so that I arrive at the parking garage just after someone determined to find a spot on the lower levels.  After 10 minutes of stop and go (in the parking garage!), I arrive on the sixth or seventh level.  

I walk to Starbucks for my first Venti coffee of the day, paying for it with a "thank you" that receives a nod in reply that silently says "we'll see you later for your refill complimentary with your registered and loaded Starbucks card, you pathetic addict". 

Sipping my liquid gold, I usually walk a block to work and use my key card to gain access to the back door. Soon thereafter, I'm plugging in my laptop in my office on the third floor thinking about the free refill in my future.

However one day recently, my key card didn't work on the back door. I knew that the proximity sensor was working, because moments before I had watched someone 30 feet in front of me open the door and let it slam before I could get there to catch it.  I would have beat the slowly closing door had I not been fumbling my coffee, card, lunch, and computer bag. Once my card failed to grant access, I was contemplating a short walk around the building to reception when someone I recognized from the seventh floor came along to open the door. After the prerequisite "Do you work here? Ha Ha Ha" and more fake laughter all around, I followed him into the building. 

I took the stairs so as to avoid more stupid small talk on the elevator with my acquaintance. When I got to the third floor, I remembered that my access required my key card again. It was still in my hand, so I quickly flashed it in front of the sensor hoping that my earlier access problems were a fluke. No luck. I stood there for a few minutes in the stairwell, peering through the door window waiting for someone to walk by and let me in. Nobody appeared and after a couple of minutes of waiting, I decided to address my key card problem sooner than later. 

I walked down stairs to the lobby and approached the security desk with my card still in hand.  

"There's something wrong with my key card," I explained as I extended the card to him. "I bet someone new is sitting at my desk too."

The security guard feigned laughed as he reached for the card and said "Perhaps I'll have to escort you from the building later."

I reciprocated with more laughter. This time it was nervous laughter as I tried to determine how serious he was.

He looked at the card before looking up at me with a smile.

"This card isn't working because your balance is too low" he said as he handed back my Starbucks card.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

My Love For Dove

Dove's Milk Chocolate Promises are a weakness of mine. Their Promise brand is perpetuated by the quotes and fortunes written in cursive on the inside of the wrapper. These appropriately named candies are full of promises simply by the nature of being, wrapper or not. They promise to expand my waistline. Two handfuls of them promise to replace a nutritious meal. A bag, with mouth wide open, promises to call for me late at night while I'm trying to sleep. I swear I hear them.

I'm much stronger now than I once was. I've learned to resist the urges that are typical of a Dove chocolate addiction. I've reduced my weekly intake from 2 bags to less than 1/4. I still keep two bags in the kitchen cabinet and a top secret emergency bag in my drawer at work, however I often forget that they are there.

Tonight, I was driving home and getting quite hungry as I sat in traffic. The apple didn't cut it and the pretzels were long gone. I suddenly remembered that I had a bag of Dove Promises in my bag. They are ultimately destined to replace the empty bag in my desk drawer at work, but I forgot to transfer the bounty this afternoon. I quickly unzipped the outer pocket of my computer bag, tore open the Dove chocolate bag, and grabbed one of those suckers. I was in a trance, mesmerized by the blue metallic wrapper and the promise of chocolate heaven that lay within. Yet, I was still able to appreciate the healthy choice to take only one. I was proud of my recent progress in fighting the addiction. To eat one and stop there has been a great milestone in the quest to conquer my inner chocoholic. 

While savoring my chocolate surprise, I read the inside of the wrapper and was pleased with it's message. It simply stated:

Create Your Own Peace.

With that, I ate seven more.

Apparently, It's For My Own Safety

I received an "Urgent Voluntary Consumer Recall". This consumer is game, but I definitely won't fit in the small envelope that they provided.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Does Forever Have An Expiration Date?

My new car came with a complimentary subscription to XM radio. I have been listening to my satellite radio on the Infinity stereo system. However, the subscription only lasts 3 months. So much for infinity.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Adam - I'm Sorry About Your Cell Phone Minutes

The phone that I currently own is primarily used for personal calls and business calls and frequent gravity checks performed by my children. It's also proved to be a good distraction method with my children. They enjoy playing with my phone so much, that it's good collateral during negotiations that have reached a standstill.  

They frequently call people by accident and send the same pic to unsuspecting recipients. Fortunately, it's just a low resolution picture of the inside of my car taken by the same kids spamming my friends and coworkers. My friend Adam is at the top of my contacts list and must be completely desensitized to calls from my phone. (Adam - if you are reading this, you could pick up every now and then in case it really is me). They also create new contacts such as "ZAAAAAQ9I" and "5555H". As long as the corresponding phone numbers never start with 911, I think we're safe.

I was determined to use the To Do List feature.  This was my own way of convincing myself that I didn't need a Blackberry or IPhone. Who needs one of those, when I have a TO DO LIST? My phone is pretty old school.  Blue tooth? Nah. If anything, it's got Broken Tooth. So naturally, the first thing on the To Do List was to "Buy a Blackberry or IPhone". At least I was organized about it.

I've had this phone for a year now and my use of the To Do List has tapered off.  In fact, I stopped looking at it several months ago. One day recently, I realized that I hadn't checked my list in awhile. I flipped open my phone and navigated to my list. I was horrified to find that I had one unfinished task labeled high priority (in addition to buying a much cooler phone)! How could this have happened? I know that I'm somewhat scatter brained, but I rarely let such important things slip. The task even has an exclamation point next to it, which clearly indicates the level of excitement one must exhibit when performing such a high priority task. Either that or my phone is being passive aggressive in it's efforts to alert me to this task.  

Now, I would write more but I have a very important task to complete.  But first, I must figure out what "NMMNMNMMMO" is and get it done ASAP.