New Year's Resolution: Stay Calm When Innocent

While putting my daughter in bed this evening, I looked out the window and saw something unusual.  The small pile of snow that I had created while shoveling out our driveway this morning was now obliterated.  It looked like someone did 'doughnuts' on the sidewalk, spinning their car or snowmobile in circles where there was once a snowbank. 

After the kids were in bed, I went out to see what had really happened.  What I discovered was close to what I suspected, but much worse.  Someone had driven off the road and slammed into the stone wall that runs the length of our front yard.  The stone wall was buckled up and seriously damaged.  The tire marks didn't show any skidding towards the wall, but did hint to a quick getaway.

As would anyone in the same situation, my thoughts first turned to the chipmunks that live in our stone wall.  Did they survive? Perhaps they were out for the night.  Assuming that they survived, where would they live now? It's New Years Day and it's 16 degrees outside.  According to Boston.com, someone in their weather department claims that it "feels like" zero degrees.  What a way to start the chipmunk year. 

I called the cops.  I didn't mention the chipmunks, but did report that an accident had happened in front of my house.  It was a hit-and-run and the only known casualties were my stone wall and the car that left a few pieces sticking out of it.  The dispatcher explained that someone would be over in a few minutes.

I went back outside and waited at the crime scene.  While standing there, I picked up some of the car parts on my front lawn.  While looking at a tail light cover, it broke in my hands.  I destroyed evidence. And my finger prints are on it now.  I immediately replaced both pieces of the cover back on my lawn precisely where I found them.  Will they dust it and find my fingerprints all over it? Have I tampered with a crime scene and will I now be interrogated by a CSI? 

The police didn't show up as quickly as I expected.  I went back inside, warmed up my dinner and ate it while looking out the window.  It occurred to me that I should offer the cops something to drink when they arrive. Tea, officer? Or perhaps some warm dinner.  Microwaved leftover macaroni and cheese, officer?  Despite my good manners, I decided that it wasn't necessary in this scenario.

Two officers pulled up in a cruiser and I was instantly nervous.  For unexplained reasons, I get nervous around cops.  I have no good reason to be concerned.  However, I worry that my innocence is so authentic that they won't believe it.  This alone makes me so anxious that I start to act nervous.  I am so aware of this nervousness, that I tend to talk a mile a minute.   Tonight, I decided, I will just stick to the facts ma'am.

I went out to greet the officers.

"Good evening, officers. It's cold outside, huh? It's 16 degrees, but sure feels like zero," I said.

Meanwhile my thoughts were elsewhere.  Should I offer them mac and cheese? Does my breath smell like mac and cheese? That was really good mac and cheese.  But perhaps tea would be more appropriate.

Officer #1 replied "Yes, it is cold.  What happened?"

I explained what I observed in great detail. Twice.

Officer #2 asked, "Do you have an ID?"

I'm a suspect already. When do I mention my fingerprints all over the evidence?  

"Yes," I replied as I presented my driver's license to Officer #2.

"Did you have a party here last night?" asked Officer #1.

"No. My kids are young.  We were in bed by 9:00 last night," I answered.

Officer #1 laughed out loud.  Is that funny? Is my life that lame or does he think I'm lying?

Officer #2, while still looking at my ID, asked "When did you move here? You're license doesn't have this address shown."

He thinks I live somewhere else.  He thinks that I drove into the wall!

"I moved here two years ago.  I mean we moved here two years ago. Two years ago. I live here.  My license hasn't been updated yet.  Well, it has but the sticker came off. But I live here. Since two years ago."  

But, the chipmunks have lived here longer.

Officer #2 handed back my license.  Officer #1 leaned over to look at the broken tail light cover. 

I couldn't keep it in any longer.  "I already touched it, officer.  I'm sorry. I touched it before you got here.  My fingerprints are all over it, in case that matters.  I mean, I didn't think it would matter.  It doesn't matter, right? Do you guys want to come in and have some tea?"

The officers laughed and told me that it didn't matter. And no thanks to the tea.

As I was about to use a joke to disguise my concern about the chipmunks, they told me that a report would be filed downtown if I wanted it later for insurance purposes.  I thanked them and we all wished each other a Happy New Year.  They drove away into the dark Framingham night, most likely to another crime scene.

Could they smell the mac and cheese on my breath? I certainly hope not.