Have You Been Knawing On My Garbage Can?

Dear Sirs:

You 

a) come to my house looking for garbage.

b) smell like my neighbors' garbage.

c) throw my garbage cans and hence treating them like the garbage they contain.

d) probably drive over the cans and their lids, forward and in reverse.

e) don't smile enough.

Granted, you are a garbage collector but are you rabid?  Because, we have recently noticed that one of our cans is deteriorating by unnatural causes.  In fact, it is clear that you have been knawing on the lid handle and edges.  Does that taste good?  Settles the stomach a little after that sausage and egg bomb you probably ate for breakfast? Cleanses the palette, eh?

Well, then how dare you further disgrace our garbage can with a bright yellow warning sticker indicating that the barrel is not in good condition and thereby violating some trash collection standards.  And do I hereby run the risk of inadvertently offending you by calling that an oxy moron?

Please reconsider your accusations the next time you are can tossing at my house.  I'll also imply that perhaps it's your strategic placement of our cans in the middle of the street that has resulted in some of the damage as unsuspecting commuters drive over them.  But to suggest, as my wife did, that the partially digested green plastic lid pieces in my driveway are probably from a squirrel is absurd.  So the next time you come to our house (and you are so predictable, by the way), please just take my trash and leave peacefully.  I'm watching you.

Regards,

Tyler James