I'm part Mexican. At least for the 24 hours after I eat a burrito.
I recently asked myself, "should I go to a conference in Palm Springs CA in January?". That's like asking if a frog's ass is watertight.
I've been busy planning my new business. I'm going to open a sub-optimal bakery. I will acknowledge that I am not a professional and that the quality is good but not great. That way, when you need to take a baked good to a holiday party, dinner party, or work you can easily claim it was yours. Because I will guarantee imperfection. Or your money back.
Annoying cell phone kiosk salesperson: Excuse me, can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did. Bye.
And some notable moments from a recent trip to the surgical OR:
Nurse: What brings you here?
Me (pointing to head): Assist with a cyst? Nurse (without smiling): Never heard that one before...
The surgeon later said, "You should have an open mind." With that, he made thus true and removed two cysts from my scalp. I am now more well-rounded.
The surgeon asked me how I was doing halfway through the procedure. I told him that I would be napping if it wasn't for all the sharp objects in the room. He said "Me too".
The surgeon warned me about potential scarring and then asked me if I grew my hair out. I explained that it was usually shoulder length but that I had it cut short for the procedure.
Me: What was that? Surgeon: Your cyst popped out and rolled down your head and neck.
Surgeon: It's about the size of a chick pea. Me: As in hummus? Surgeon: Definitely not.
Surgeon: You're back?!?!? Me: Yes. I was halfway home when the anesthetic wore off. The feeling of blood running onto my ear was a hint that the incisions weren't completely sealed. There's bloody tissues all over my car. Surgeon: Oh, how's your car? Me: Let's talk about the head first, please.
Me: Do you validate parking? Receptionist: Did you see a doctor here? Me (pointing at bandage wrapped head): Nope. Just came for the cafeteria food. Wrapped my head like this to fit in. And park for free.