Study Shows That Cheerios Are Eaten By People With Hair

My box of Frosted Cheerios has a coupon for a haircut.  Well, it's about time. For years, I've been saying that cereal companies and hair salons should get together and do some co-marketing.  Ok, so I'm being somewhat facetious.  

Actually, I find it quite humorous.  What in the world do these two have in common? Perhaps the Chief Cheerio Officer married the Chief Executive Hairstylist at their respective companies and decided to mix business with pleasure?  

I hope that these particular hair salons are serving up Cheerios. That would only be fair. I would love a bowl of cereal while I wait.  I just wouldn't want any cut hairs flying into my bowl. This concept might need further development. 

 

Well, this marketing campaign certainly isn't working on this follicle-challenged Cheerio-eater. However, I suddenly have this urge to get the little hair that I have Frosted.

Bad Hair Day

As many of my readers know from a previous post or from personal interaction, I am follicly challenged.  For this reason, it is ridiculous that I actually had to go back to the barber yesterday and complain about a bad haircut.

I don't have much hair and I like to keep what I have very short.  This gives me the distinguished look that a comb-over wouldn't.  I keep it buzzed short almost always.  After a few weeks, it gets unwieldy and practically extends beyond my hairline. The horror.  So, 'long' for me is actually about 1/4 to 1/3 inch.  

Cutting my hair is normally very easy.  Every four weeks, I ask the barber or hairdresser (ridiculous to think I could ever be in the same room as one) to use the buzzers with a one and a half setting.  This is a global setting on buzzers everywhere, which makes it easy for me to get a no hassles haircut.  Although, just to know what it feels like, I have been tempted to take in a picture cut from a magazine to show them exactly how I want it.

There are a few other things.  One barber explained to me that buzzing the neck was half the haircut for guys like me.  Thanks.  I also keep short sideburns as opposed to straight across and over the ear.  

Finally, and most importantly, I ask every barber to go over my hair a few times in a few different directions.  Why?  

Because my hair is curly.

(Okay. I'll wait while you stop laughing......ok, ready to move on?)

Yes, my hair is naturally curly and pictures of me as a child would show you that I had curly golden locks of hair.  Even through high school, my hair had a wave.  You know, as in a wave goodbye to most of the hair up there.

Therefore, even now there are always a few stranded soldiers that aren't reached by the buzzers were the barber to run over it once.  Those suckers just lay down into all's clear at which point they stand straight up and taunt passers-by.

So yesterday, I went and asked for my typical haircut.  Not expecting that it would be anything but the usual results, I went home.  My wife immediately pointed out that I didn't just have a few stranded soldiers, but rather that there was an entire army standing at attention on the top of my head.  Not only that, but the barber had in one place dug a trench for the platoon.  In other words, there was a whoops spot where she shaved me straight to the scalp.  

I drove straight back to the barber shop.  As a nearly-bald guy, I felt a bit silly asking for them to fix it.  In so many words I essentially said, "Hi. I realize that I'm bald, but you need to fix my hair."  I explained what was wrong and the buzzers were out again.  She mowed down most of the long ones and even got out the scissors (hadn't seen those in ages!) and ambushed some of the undercover agents.

As I drove home, I realized that the redo made a huge difference.  I'm also pretty sure that nobody, besides my wife and I, would even notice.  But I decided that I didn't care.  If I'm going to be nearly-bald, I want to look good doing it.

Volumizing and Gravity Defying Hair Products Are Taunting Me

Let's put it on the table.  I'm follicly challenged.  If you are unclear what this means, then 

a) We have never met in person, or

b) We met over email, but you haven't yet noticed how my receding hairline has affected my typing, or

c) You saw my profile photo on this blog, but were blinded by the reflected glare from my forehead your monitor.

I do have some hair, so I shop for shampoo despite the stares.  While considering my options (invigorate my scalp? or restore shine?), I was reminded that "volumizing" shampoos are constantly taunting me.  Of all the people that need extra volume shampoo, I'm at the top of the list. I'm sure that marketing teams at hair product companies worldwide have given up on me.  

They probably use to say "Let's make a volumizing shampoo for those guys who could really use a lift.  Oh, and let's help their hair too."

After looking at the demographics, sales figures, and their own receding hairlines, they have decided instead to put these products on the shelf to quietly tease me when I least expect it.

I was again the victim of this silent and public humiliation at work recently.  During the past few holiday weeks, attendance at work was light and the offices relatively quiet.  A handful of us were busy, but our interactions were sporadic.  

"How was your holiday?"

"Good. How was your holiday?"

"Good. Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year. It's quiet around here."

"Yep."

Therefore, it was easy for a mystery Santa to secretly leave some holiday treats in one of the offices. This included cookies, peppermint bark, chocolate santas, those faux M&Ms that come in a plastic candycane perfectly designed for chugging those suckers when nobody is looking, and hair gel.

That's correct. Santa left hair gel.  Apparently, melting snowcaps at the North Pole revealed a time capsule from the 1980s that must have included the only Stretch Armstrong toy that never oozed, members of REO Speedwagon, and a surplus of unused hair gel. 

The labeling is what really got me thinking.

First, it's label claims that the gel will "defy gravity."  I'm not sure that we should be defying gravity, but I won't make a fuss about it.  Instead, I want to know what else they are willing to defy?  How about genetics?

Secondly, it's "fast drying".  This must be perfect for the person who just doesn't have time or money to spend on their hair. Or it's gravity defiance.

Finally, I'm intrigued by the "hold" scale which clearly displays that this particular product has achieved, with the score of '10', an "extreme hold" strength.  When they manufacture a batch of this gel, how do they perform quality control to ensure that it meets this specification?  Is this somehow measured by a hold-o-meter in which gel is applied to someone's hair and scientists measure their ability to get into a Cinderella concert without a ticket stub ("extreme hold" status is only achieved by the subject's unsolicited receipt of a backstage pass and reality show contract)?  By the way, I'm sure that if I ever applied for this job it would result in a discrimination lawsuit. That is to say for my hair unavailability; not for my pre-existing affinity towards glam rock.  

"No Your Honor, it was acceptable to us that he enjoys Cinderella.  And he always came to work on time.  But his hair just never showed."

More importantly, what happens to the vats of hair gel that don't pass QC?  Are they simply relabeled and marketed differently?  Perhaps a batch scoring '1' is marketed as a solution to hair that already has unwanted gravity-defying properties or as a cure for chronic bed head syndrome.  I'm most curious about every hold status between 2 and 9.  These must be the hardest to sell.  Although I imagine that a '5' (the "mediocre hold") would be perfect for the hair that needs a boost but doesn't want to draw too much attention.  

Personally, a gel that ranked '6' would be perfect for someone like myself.  It would give my hair a little extra umph and the slight edge over mediocre that only a follicly challenged guy like me could truly appreciate (and need).

Photo credit: PJ. Thanks!