Slow-Talker Fast-Typer

In the checkout line at Toys R Us today, we were greeted by a pimple-faced teenager.  He spoke very slowly and I thought it would take forever to get through the Hello's and HowAreYou's. He also took his time asking if we wanted to open a credit card to get 10% off.  

But, after carefully articulating the question "Would you mind giving me your phone number?", this slow-talker typed with lightening speed.  When he took the credit card number, he typed it with one hand faster than a world champion speed typer.  It was amazing and I theorized that he has needed to develop the ability to perform other non-speaking tasks faster than the average person simply to make up for lost time.  He might actually be a robot, which is a theory that piques my interest but might ultimately result in a decrease in this blog's followers. 

I can't help but wonder where else he compensates for slow-talking. Does he eat fast, write fast, or wash dishes fast?  If Flash's only speedy skill is typing, then he needs a new career.  Perhaps he'll write this blog if I were to dictate, because I have a lot to say.  But the rules would be clear.  I would explain, "I talk. You type. Go."

Baby Monkey Doll Is My Really Crazy Obsession

Hi,

Welcome to my blog.  You have landed here because you typed one of the following statements into Google:

a) "baby monkey doll is my really crazy obsession"

b) "my life is not worth living. i can only go on if they were to start making baby monkey dolls"

c) "i'm a mentally ill woman with octuplets and six other children looking to expand family with lifelike primate dolls"

In reality, this is what you are looking for:

In case you can't read the fine print, it says: 

"This baby orangutan is not a toy; she is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors."

Therefore, I am posting this with the hopes that you will answer a few questions that I truly want to know the answers to.

1.  Did you read the above statement and not realize that it says she instead of it?  Why not?
2.  Did you read the above statement and feel all warm and gooey inside when you saw the word enjoyed? Why and have you talked to any professionals about this?
3.  Why is this a collectible and not a toy?  Let's do the official meltdown test by telling my kids the same thing and see what happens. k?
4.  Do you really think that your family will preserve your "collectibles" when you are gone? Before you answer, let's recap: It's a monkey doll.  
5.  Honestly, did you really spend time trying to find one of these things online?  If your answer is yes, call your internet service provider and ask for your money back.  If your answer is no, how in the world did you end up here anyway?
6.  What is this really a replacement for?  Missing someone, are we?
7.  Have you hugged a baby monkey doll lately? Of course you haven't. That's why you're here.

I look forward to your answers.  Thanks for visiting.

What Have I Done With My Life?

Oh, there it is. 

Was Noah Obsessed with BOGO* Sales?

....or was he just really good at cutting "twofer" coupons for wild animals?

*BOGO stands for Buy One Get One.  Applies to the animal kingdom too.

School Drinking Water Causes Strange Duct Tape Fetish?

School Drinking Water Causes Strange Duct Tape Fetish?

(Selective reading (and photo editing) can result in humor.  At least in my own world.)

WTF IS THAT?

Time is short today, so I will share the following item I found on another humor blog. It's intended to look like one of those motivational posters. I laughed everytime I thought of it this week:

photo credit: scotsavage.com

What the President and a Bucket of Water Have in Common

It's crunch time for my presentation preparation, so this will be brief.  Today is one of those days that I wish I had a camera.  If I did, you would see two pictures (and someday will when I update this post).  They would/will be as follows:

a) A meeting I attended was in a conference room that apparently followed another meeting that had a seemingly fancy spread.  Well, spreads can only get so fancy in a room with one entire wall that is a white board. That is, unless someone wanted to break free from their fancy meeting and illustrate their emotions with dry-erase pens as a form of art-therapy ice breaker.  Draw how you are feeling when this fancy spread is in stark contrast to your laboratory coat covered with chemicals and biological waste (hopefully from the lab).

I was prompted to think about this when, upon entering the room with a leftover fancy spread, I noticed a wine glass full of vinaigrette salad dressing.  Clearly, the meeting was a hoot.

b) The lab in which I work has some instruments that use water (and other hazardous chemicals) that is recycled and then replaced every several weeks.  Our current labeling system for these containers of water is very thorough, detailed, and carefully worded.  We typically write "H20. Changed 1/20/09."  Therefore, on Tuesday (Inauguration Day) I couldn't resist writing instead: "H20. Changed (President and H20) 1/20/09."  I have yet to inform my coworkers that we will now be recycling that same bucket of water for the next eight years.  

Digits For Your Digits

Abacus, Foot Massager, or Children's Toy?  Yes.  

It's versatile, especially when using it to do arithmetic with your feet.  

Stressed about counting? Treat yourself to a foot massage.  

Lose track of how many minutes you have been hiding from the kids to indulge in a foot massage? The answer is at your toetips.

For the smart kids in the house, prepare for countless hours of toe math relaxation.  For the rest of them, it's just plain fun to spin and slide those suckers.

"Mattress Giant Parking"

I drove past a Mattress Giant store yesterday.  The marked parking spots around the building, located on a small plot next to a main road, were empty in the middle of the business day.  I don't know who the Mattress Giant is or thinks he is, but it is clearly impossible to park at his store given that all of the parking spots are reserved for him.

NEWT RN

From the Mass Pike eastbound in Newton, I can see a sign for a company called NEWTRON.  Yesterday morning, I noticed that the sign has lost it's 'O'.  Apparently, the building is now ready to be occupied by the former House Speaker once he completes his nursing degree.

Collection

To The Management of the Natick Collection:

Please accept this letter of apology. During your advertising campaign last summer, I unjustifiably ridiculed your decision to rename the Natick Mall. After your first plan to name the mall simply "Natick", you chose an even more laughable title with "The Natick Collection." According to a local news brief, use of the word Collection to attract upscale stores, sophisticated shoppers, and oblivious tourists is popular in getaway destinations such as Bellevue, WA and Troy, MI.  With this, I considered my research on absurdity to be complete.

I scoffed at your suggestion that this name would be more appropriate for the upscale stores. A collection? It sounds like something that might collect dust, no?  Besides, it's the Natick Mall. It will always be the Natick Mall.  You may have built a new fancy wing with a glass ceiling providing sunlight for your new fancy shoppers, but the "old section" (as it is now called) is still windowless and so 1990s.  Feuds between eternal enemies, mall rats and mall walkers, may flare up as they struggle to claim new turf (albeit marble instead of linoleum) in the new expansion wing.  That is, if they dare venture into the sunlight.  

However, I must give you the benefit of the doubt.  If I were filthy rich thanks to oblivious tourists and image-conscious shoppers, I might actually buy or create enough malls to call it a Collection too.  This leads me to wonder if I would get together with my mall-collector friends and trade?  

Hey, let's flip malls!   We'll each toss a mall towards the wall and he or she whose mall lands closest, keeps both malls!  Or we can make it easier and I'll trade you my Natick Collection for your Troy Collection AND your Bellevue Collection.  And I'll just GIVE you my "Starta Collection" trademark. My lawyer said it wasn't a liability. Or did he say asset? Aw heck, who cares. It's yours. That's what best mall-collector friends do!

I laughed even harder the first time I went to the Collection. I discovered that it had actually gone upscale as intended and attracted a few customers that will at least pretend to shop at those high-end stores. They even turned their noses up at my kids who were joyfully playing on your upscale couches.  The venue's new image even gave the security guard reason to be a snob, lecturing the kids about how not to touch the water fountain or make fun of his career choice.  

We did venture into one of your new stores.  The very serious staff at the chocolate store, which has since closed, were far from family-friendly.  As we stood in line pondering what $6 piece of $1 chocolate we would split four-ways, our kids started to explore the empty store.  They were in fact, extremely well-behaved in that moment.  As my daughter approached a comfy chair, the manager ran interference and explained that he didn't want a mess on his furniture.  He must have seen my son try to write his name with jam-covered fingers on the leather couch near the Concierge.  Is there really a concierge at the mall? I digress.  We left annoyed and disappointed that we didn't get to taste rich people chocolate.  However, it all worked out in the end because we needed the $6 for the valet tip.

You must be wondering when the apology part of this letter will appear.  A recent news story explained that you are filing for bankruptcy.  Therefore, I sincerely apologize for lampooning the name that you selected for your beloved mall.  The Collection was not a silly name after all.  In the end, it was actually quite forward-looking.  

Sincerely,

A Mall Rat from Framingham

Frozen Pets and Whirled Peas

I saw three things yesterday that I found very humorous.

First, I saw a very funny bumper sticker that said "Visualize Whirled Peas." Very clever.

Second, I saw a truck promoting their service: "Fresh Frozen Pet Food Delivery." I wondered if the kids will someday ask for a Frozen Pet? If so, I know how to get fresh food.

Finally, an all-service laundry facility adorned a sign that read:

Cleaner
Tailor

It had never occurred to me that a tailor's personal hygiene was worth advertising.

Crossing Gaurd

This morning, I nearly rear-ended the car in front of me. I was fiddling with my new CD instead of watching the road. Mea culpa, mea culpa. When I looked up, I was quickly approaching the car in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and the tires squealed. I'm awake now and my Starbucks craving was displaced by an aversion to near-death.

I expected the unexpected this morning as kids, parents, and teachers were adapting to their new schedules on this first day of school. However, I was running late because of my own son's "first day" event and was surprised that I ran into trouble. But, as the traffic let up and I approached the next intersection I noticed the source of disruption. A crossing gaurd was apparently.... crossing the street. She was walking very slowly away from the intersection and with a limp no less. Was this poor planning or does the crossing guard need one of her own?

Brake Retarders Prohibited

This was the sign that I noticed while driving through my hometown in Pennsylvania recently. Although I'm not certain of it's meaning, I'm sure that it falls into the same category of rude signs as "Slow Children".

Earthy

Earthy (adjective): How the coffeeshop describes my coffee when some of the grinds are floating around. As in, "Full bodied and earthy. Try with a side of our scrumptious cinammon swirl dirt cake."